Like Veined Marble

Sometimes I forget

Not you—never you

Sometimes I forget the broken parts, love

I suppose we’re both broken

In our own ways

Both of them unseen

That’s why sometimes I forget

You’re broken in your bones

In your marrow choked by clones

In your damaged chromosomes

What are we going to do

With the both of us, two

Lovers cracked like veined marble

It’s on the surface, in the earthen vessels only

There’s more beneath

Not in the bones, the brain, or the blood

But in the Spirit, the Father, the Son

It’s not a copout, christian platitude

It’s sweat-soaked, sob-choked

Teeth-grinding, heart-stabbing

Hair-tearing, nail-gouging

Gratitude

Where pain meets worship

It’s something few get

I don’t even get it because 

Sometimes it happens

All over again

And again

And again

In the small, internal chapel 

Screaming with bloodied knuckles

Kicked-over chairs and pounded beams

Garments ripped at the seams

Pew-scratched floors

Muffled wails through padlocked, wooden doors

I’m scared of losing you

There. I said it.

The thought of you dying feels unreal

Though I know it’d only be for a time

But that somehow feels empty now

Like echoes in a hollowed space

It used to be so solid—my faith

I used to be so solid

But I’ve been broken

We both have

Over

And over

And over again

All the way down to our foundations

But there must be even more to break

Because the dust almost clears and then another blast

Rocks the world we used to hold fast

To dreams of what life would be like

And then I’m angry again

Screaming words at Him in the chapel

But words go out through all the earth

That’s what the Word says

And He hears them all

Every word

And yet He still loves us

Comforts us

Listens to us

Jesus

I can’t say His name enough

I hear you say His name, too

When you think I’m asleep—

Okay, maybe I’m pretending

But I hear you praying

Such simple words, humble, calm

Faithful, strong

How do you do it

When you hurt so much

That I can’t even imagine

The physical torment I can’t fathom

It’s like those four times when we were in labor

Yes, we

Don’t give me that look, you were right there with me

Your eyes like an anchor

Side by side, your hand fisted around mine, then our fingers entwined

Breathing and waiting between the beeping

Me cursing the blood pressure cuff

But you didn’t laugh and I love you for that

I know you would’ve traded places with me in a heart beat

It’s so much harder to be helpless when the one you love is suffering

And that’s how I feel right now

Only I can’t be an anchor for you like you were for me

Only Jesus can

And He is

For the both of us

I’ve had to learn the hard way, I can’t be the one who’s strong for you

I’m driven by hurricane-force winds invisible to others

Seen only by the destruction left in their–

Wake from insomnia-laced nights to find

Everyday I’m a different person

About as reliable and predictable as the ocean

I even have a high and low tide, but who knows when those happen

You’re so patient

With me

With suffering

With everything

Except for maybe when I don’t text you back

Lost in a low tide

Okay, I’m probably just irresponsible

But you love me anyway

Letting you go, even if it’s just in my heart

As you lie asleep next to me

Is almost unbearable

But the fact that it’s possible

Is only because of Jesus

Oh, my love, even if this simple testimony—

I don’t want to

But I can

Live

Without you

—is all that comes from the brokenness 

It is enough

Because He—

Jesus

—is enough

For the both of us

2 thoughts on “Like Veined Marble

    1. Don’t worry…
      It’s not that it’s going to get better. It might not.
      It’s that it’s going to get deeper.
      Tree roots searching for water.
      Searching for Him.
      Jesus is enough. He is the broken rock in the desert that brought forth water. He is the breath that brought dry bones to life. 💙

      Liked by 2 people

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