Gratitude is never first on the scene. Like anger, it's a reaction only, more often a choice, and when consistently pursued, a habit. Like other emotions, it's a fuel. But unlike depressive states, it's not a fuel that burns me down to ashes, it's a fuel that drives me forward. It's flexible to any kind of attack, has no end, and it can roll any which way. Like a sphere, I suppose. Love is also like that. To me, gratitude in the midst of my circumstances, no matter what they are, is an expression of love toward my God; an unwritten love letter lived out.
Or maybe I'm just telling you all of this to make me feel better. I'm not violent--I'm prone to yelling and occasionally punching walls or slamming doors. I'm not crazy--I'm emotionally unstable and unpredictable. ...Whispered words to a fractured mirror. But the real question is, have I accepted it?
Last March, Spring Break. I can feel it coming as I leave the city limits on my way to a long-planned vacation with the kids. It's a growing sense of trepidation, hovering over me, threatening like a black wave, trembling in place, poised to wreck its ruin...
Anxiety makes everything seem momentous, sometimes to absurd, apocalyptic levels. It makes me a caricature of myself.